All That I've Been Living For
by DantanaSkywalker
Summary: A tragedy strikes in the lives of Jaina Solo and Kyp Durron.


NOTE: The song lyrics included in this story are "How Am I Supposed  
To Live Without You" by Michael Bolton. The song isn't used with  
permission. The characters in this story do not belong to me.  
  
"All That I've Been Living For" by DantanaSkywalker [PG]  
  
"Jaina? Hi. Uh, I just stopped by to ask you- No, that's  
stupid. Hi. Am I disturbing you? Uh, I'm here because I was   
wondering if- No, that won't work, either." Kyp Durron stopped   
pacing. "Hi, Jaina. I'm an idiot, and I waited too long to tell   
you how I feel, and now you're dating someone else. Yeah, that'd  
work real well."  
  
He sat on the edge of his sleepcouch and sighed. He   
shoved a hand through his dark hair, which was desperately in   
need of a trim.  
  
"What to do?" he murmured. "I can't think of anything   
suave to say. It all sounds stupid."  
  
After several moments, when any sort of magical voice   
or spirit being failed to tell him the answer that would solve   
all his problems, Kyp stood up. A brief wave of dizziness passed   
over him.  
  
The Jedi Master placed a hand on his desk to steady   
himself until the room stopped spinning. "Need to get more   
sleep," he grumbled. "Oh, well."  
  
He left his quarters and walked through the corridors   
to Jaina Solo's room. He paused outside, hand hovering above the   
touchpad that would alert Jaina to visitors.  
  
Was she even in? Kyp stretched out with the Force. Yes,   
she was in. And she already had a visitor. There was no   
mistaking Jag Fel's presence in the Force. He sighed.  
  
Then he heard sounds from inside the room. It was   
Jaina's voice, very muffled.  
  
"Oh, Jag. Oh, yes . . ."  
  
Kyp's blood turned cold, and nausea boiled in his   
stomach. No, it couldn't be. But, of course, it was.  
  
His head started to pound, and he leaned weakly against   
the wall. He should have said something sooner, before . . .   
Before this.  
  
Kyp stumbled away from the wall, suddenly desperate to   
get away, to go, to be anywhere but here.  
  
How could he not have anticipated this? It was the   
natural course of things, and Jaina had been dating Jag for   
quite a while. *I loved her first!* a voice cried in Kyp's mind.   
*You have no right to touch her!*  
  
He barely made it to his rooms before the world began   
spinning again, and he slipped into unconsciousness.  
  
I could hardly believe it  
When I heard the news today  
I had to come and get it  
Straight from you  
  
"Wow, you look excited today!"  
  
Kyp eyed Jaina glumly as she plopped down into the seat   
across from him. His head hurt, and he didn't want to face her.   
Not now that he knew . . .  
  
"Are you okay?" Her voice was suddenly concerned. "You   
don't look too good."  
  
He sighed. "I'm not feeling well. I've got a headache.   
And . . . I'm in love with someone."  
  
Jaina blinked, damping down a sudden stab of jealousy.   
*You have no reason to be jealous!* she told herself. *You're   
with Jag. There's nothing between you and Kyp! Stop thinking   
about that!* "Oh? That's usually not something to be depressed   
about."  
  
"I just found out she's sleeping with someone."  
  
"Oh, I'm sorry. That stinks."  
  
*You have no idea,* he thought. "So, where's Colonel   
Fel?"  
  
Jaina waved her hand dismissively. "Don't know. Around.   
Maybe. Or maybe he left." She leaned forward. "Tell me about   
this woman. Does she know how you feel about her?"  
  
"I don't think so. I haven't told her." Kyp closed one   
eye, hoping it would help the migraine.  
  
Her large, brandy-brown eyes took that in, and said,   
"You should do something about that headache."  
  
He moved to stand up. He needed to get away from her   
for a while, and deal with all of this when his head didn't   
hurt. "I think I will."  
  
Jaina caught his hand. "Kyp?"  
  
One blood-shot green eye turned her way. "Yeah?"  
  
"I'm not the galaxy's foremost expert on relationships,   
but my advice is, if you love her, tell her."  
  
He studied her for a moment, then said softly, "I just   
did."  
  
He left, and Jaina stared after him, her eyes wide. The   
sheer enormity of what he'd said hit her, and she stood up to   
go after him.  
  
They said you were leaving  
Someone swept your heart away  
And from the look upon your face  
I see it's true  
  
Kyp got ten feet from the cafeteria and collapsed   
against the wall. He felt like throwing up, and the galaxy had   
decided spinning around was fun.  
  
Maybe he was coming down with something. Or maybe it was   
stress. He certainly had a lot to be stressed about.  
  
Jaina burst out of the cafeteria and spotted Kyp   
immediately. He was sheet-white, with a pale green around the   
edges, and he was shaking, obviously ill. Her reason for   
charging after him was instantly forgotten in the face of this.  
  
"Kyp?"  
  
He half-turned, before his legs gave out. Jaina lunged   
forward and tried to keep him from falling. All she succeeded in   
doing was slowing his descent.  
  
His head on her lap, she felt his pulse. It was a little   
weak, but not irregular. His skin was clammy.  
  
Jaina sighed and pulled her comlink from her pocket. "I   
need a medical team to the cafeteria . . ."  
  
So tell me all about it  
Tell me 'bout the plans you're making  
Oh, and tell me one thing more  
Before I go  
  
Cilghal, the Mon Calamarian Jedi healer, shook her   
mammoth head. "I can't find it. There's no virus, at least that   
I can detect. I'm running a few tests for known diseases, but   
his symptoms aren't consistent with any of the diseases currently  
active on any of the planets he's been to within the last two months."  
  
Jaina sighed, then looked up as the door opened and Jag   
walked in. She looked at him for a moment, then turned back to   
Cilghal. "None of them?"  
  
"Not as far as I can tell. Nausea, clammy, cool skin, no   
fever present at all."  
  
"He was just fine yesterday," Jaina began. Then she   
stopped. "Wait."  
  
The Mon Calamarian's huge eyes swivelled around. "What?"  
  
"Yesterday, he was complaining about a headache. And   
fatigue. And today, just before he passed out, he was saying he   
had a headache."  
  
"A headache . . ." Cilghal turned to her computer   
terminal. "This search may take a while, and I need to finish   
those tests. I'll alert you if anything changes, or if I get   
any conclusive results."  
  
Jaina nodded. She couldn't explain the numbing fear that   
had settled over her after the medical team had retrieved Kyp.  
  
"Jaina?" Jag's voice was quiet. "You've been here four   
hours. Take a break, huh?"  
  
"Yeah." She turned to the door, sparing a glance for Kyp,  
still unconscious, then left the medcentre.  
  
Out in the hallway, Jag studied her face. "You're   
worried."  
  
"Gee, how could you possibly tell?"  
  
"Hey, don't take it out on me." Jag held up his hands.   
"I'd rather not get tossed against a wall. I'm just trying to   
help."  
  
She sighed. "I'm sorry, Jag. It's just . . . I've known   
Kyp since I was two, and Mom and Dad aren't here right now. He's   
my friend, and I'm worried." She didn't add that he'd stated   
before blacking out that he loved her, and he wasn't happy she   
was sleeping with Jag. The simple fact that he knew about that   
disturbed her. How had he found out? Not even her parents knew.   
Jacen suspected . . .  
  
"Well, let's go lie down-"  
  
"I think I'd like to be alone," she said, her tone   
suddenly cool. "I'll talk to you later, Jag."  
  
As she walked off, Jag muttered, "Yeah, I love you too."  
  
Tell me  
How am I supposed the live without you  
Now that I've been loving you so long  
Tell me  
How am I supposed to live without you  
And how am I supposed to carry on  
When all that I've been living for  
Is gone  
  
Kyp woke slowly. The first thing he noticed was that his  
head had stopped hurting. "Where . . ."  
  
Cilghal's fishy face appeared above him. "Ah, you're   
awake. Good. I need your assistance with some information. Jaina   
provided a little, but she didn't know how long your symptoms   
have been present, and how long you've had your headaches."  
  
Thinking was difficult. She must have put him on some   
powerful stuff to kill the pain. "Uh . . . I've been having   
headaches about once a week for about a year, and . . . What   
other symptoms?"  
  
"The nausea. Start with that."  
  
"Um . . . Just the past few days."  
  
"And the fatigue?"  
  
He had to think. "Since Borleias. I'd wake up, and not   
remember going to sleep."  
  
She was silent for a moment, staring at him.  
  
"What?"  
  
"I . . . will have to run a few more tests. One will   
take some time. We don't have the magnetic resonance imager up   
and running yet."  
  
"The what?"  
  
"Don't worry about it for now. Rest. Jaina will probably  
be by soon to visit you. She's been in every few hours."  
  
Too proud for crying  
Didn't come here to break down  
It's just a dream of mine is  
Coming to an end  
  
Jaina watched Jag's clawcraft lift off the landing   
platform, feeling torn. She had feelings for Jag, certainly.   
She'd been involved with him for months now. They'd even reached  
the point of lovers, but something held her back. Every time he   
tried to get close, she found herself balking. Even though they   
occasionally slept together, they weren't as close as before.  
  
She wandered from the hangar to the medcentre, where Kyp   
was being prepped for his test. "Hi. How are you?"  
  
Kyp frowned. "I'm tired, but Cilghal won't let me sleep.   
She says I need to wait until the test, because I have to sleep   
through it."  
  
"Oh, fun." She didn't like the pallor of his skin. And   
his hair was lackluster now. Something was definitely wrong. She   
hoped they found it soon.  
  
Cilghal and a medical droid came in. "All right, my   
friend. You can sleep now. This will take about two hours."  
  
Jaina glanced at Kyp, then suddenly bent and kissed his   
cheek. "Good luck," she whispered. "I'll wait here until you   
come out."  
  
Then she watched as they wheeled his bed into the other   
room, and the door swung shut.  
  
And she waited.  
  
And how can I blame you  
When I built my world around  
The hope that one day  
We'd be so much more than friends  
  
"No! No, it can't be!" Jaina thumped her fist down on   
Cilghal's desk. "You're wrong."  
  
The EmDee droid spoke up. "Mistress, the probability of   
error of the test is-"  
  
Jaina's lightsaber flashed out and chopped off the upper   
two-thirds of the droid's head. "Don't tell me the odds."  
  
Cilghal stared at Jaina until the young woman put her   
lightsaber away. "I'll have to replace that now. And I needed   
him to assist with Kyp's treatment."  
  
"You've still got the memory chip," Jaina said   
caustically. She suddenly felt like crying. Kyp's treatment.   
*Oh, Force, no!*   
  
"Jaina, please understand. This isn't a mistake. We ran   
the test twice, just to make certain. I don't like the results   
any more than you do-"  
  
"You have no idea how much I don't like the results,"   
Jaina snapped. "How big is it?"  
  
Cilghal looked at the hardcopies of the scans. "Two   
centimetres. It's not the biggest I've seen, or removed,   
but . . . In Kyp's case, it may prove to be impossible. If we   
remove it, we run the risk of severing the corpus calosum, or   
damaging his right temporal lobe."  
  
Jaina sat down hard on one of the nearby chairs. "I   
don't believe this."  
  
"If the corpus calosum is severed, the left and right   
portions of his brain will not be able to communicate. He will   
have difficulty perceiving stimuli. I can't say what an affect   
removing the portion of his temporal lobe would have."  
  
Jaina tugged at her dark hair. "And if you don't remove   
it?"  
  
"We may be able to get it to respond to alternative   
treatments. However, Shelter was not equipped to deal with   
something like this."  
  
"Shelter isn't, but I know somewhere that is." Jaina   
looked at the hardcopies again. "Oh, Kyp."  
  
Now, I don't wanna know  
The price I'm gonna pay for dreaming  
Even now it's more than I can take  
  
She had realised, when Cilghal made her prognosis, that   
she couldn't lose him. Losing him was not an option. Not now   
that she knew she loved him.  
  
Han and Leia Solo had returned to Shelter the day after   
Kyp's test, and Jaina had gone to them in tears. Kyp had a brain   
tumour, and if he didn't get proper medical treatment, it would   
most likely kill him. Han had asked where they needed to go to   
get him the treatment, and when she told him, he'd immediately   
packed the Falcon, put Kyp on board, and he and Jaina had left   
for Gallinore, in the Hapes cluster.  
  
Now, they were almost there. Kyp woke occasionally, but   
Jaina kept him in a healing trance for the most part, because   
the pain in his head was so bad it made him sick. She sat with   
him, and stroked his hair, and talked to him when he was awake.  
  
"Jaina?"  
  
She looked down. He was awake again. "Hi."  
  
"Why are you doing this?"  
  
"Why am I doing what?"  
  
"Taking care of me. You have-" Kyp coughed. "You have   
Jag."  
  
Jaina got down on her knees by his bed and looked him   
straight in the eye. "No, I don't have Jag. I broke it off just   
before we left. I would have told you, but you were asleep, and,   
well, it didn't seem that important, in the long run."  
  
Kyp's green eyes were dull, lacking the vibrancy she'd   
always seen in them. "It's important to me."  
  
"I know. I'm sorry. I should have told you." She lifted   
his hand and pressed his fingers to her lips. "Kyp, I . . . This   
has made me realise something. I hate to think that . . . that   
this is coming too late, but-"  
  
He touched the tears on her cheek. "It's never too late,   
unless I'm already dead."  
  
She made a noise halfway between a laugh and a sob.   
"Don't say that."  
  
"Jaina, I hope that this works. But if it doesn't,   
I . . . I want to spend what time I have left with you. I love   
you."  
  
Jaina burst into tears. She hid her face against his   
shoulder. Kyp rested his hand lightly on her head. Her words   
were muffled by his shirt.  
  
"I hate that it took this to wake me up," she cried.   
"I've been so . . . stupid."  
  
"You're not stupid, Jaya. Not at all."  
  
"I am!" she wailed. "Stang, I love you, and I didn't   
realise it until this."  
  
Kyp motioned for Jaina to join him on the narrow bed.   
She wrapped her arms around him. He was too thin. She was   
shocked by how rapidly he was deteriorating.  
  
"Jaina, I don't care if it was twenty years ago, or   
twenty seconds ago. All that matters to me is that we love each   
other." Kyp grimaced. The headache was coming back.  
  
"That's all that matters," she repeated, then sighed.   
"I just hope we have more time."  
  
"You're not going to get rid of me easily, Jaina," he   
laughed.  
  
"I don't intend to even try."  
  
She stretched out beside him, and they slept.  
  
Tell me  
How am I supposed to live without you  
Now that I've been loving you so long  
Tell me  
How am I supposed to live without you  
And how am I supposed to carry on  
When all that I've been living for  
Is gone  
  
  
The Millennium Falcon exited hyperspace while Kyp and   
Jaina slept. Han made a quick check on the two of them, then   
called ahead to the Queen Mother, Tenel Ka. He explained the   
situation, and asked for a special favour.  
  
Tenel Ka met them on Gallinore with a Hapan priest. When   
Jaina protested, Han told her, "Honey, you love him. He loves   
you. Make the best of the time you've got, huh?"  
  
Thus, they were married in a small, private ceremony,   
then given a room at one of the hotels for their wedding night.  
  
Kyp no longer had the strength to make love to her, so   
Jaina took charge. Afterwards, she held him while he slept, and   
she cried.  
  
The next morning, he went in for surgery.  
  
Now I don't wanna know  
The price I'm gonna pay for dreaming  
Now that your dream has come true  
  
"Mistress Durron?" Sinsor Khal stood in the doorway of   
the waiting area. He remembered her from before, when she had   
brought him a test subject.  
  
Jaina stood up. "Yes?"  
  
The doctor smiled. "We were able to successfully remove   
the tumour. We were very careful, and there is no damage to the   
surrounding tissue. Your husband is stable, but in critical   
condition."  
  
"Critical?"  
  
"This is brain surgery, Mistress Durron, not removal of   
warts. Now, you, and only you, may see him."  
  
Han squeezed his daughter's hand. "Go on, honey."  
  
Jaina nodded, then impulsively hugged her father. "Thank   
you, Daddy."  
  
She disappeared down the hallway, after the doctor. Kyp   
floated in a bacta tank, looking skeletal and pale even through   
the curved glass. They'd shaved his head. Now, the black curls   
were all gone. Jaina placed her hand against the glass. He would   
spend at least a week in the healing fluid, and then she would   
get to take him home.  
  
Tell me  
How am I supposed to live without you  
Now that I've been loving you so long  
Tell me  
How am I supposed to live without you  
And how am I supposed to carry on  
When all that I've been living for  
Is gone  
  
Jaina pretended to struggle as she helped Kyp into bed   
in his quarters, now hers as well, at Shelter. The truth was,   
he was light enough she could easily carry him with just her   
arms and the Force. "Oof! You're too heavy! Lose some weight,   
would you!"  
  
Kyp smiled. His head was wrapped in a bandage to hide   
the hideous scars from his ordeal.  
  
She lovingly caressed his face. "I love you so much."  
  
"I love you." He grimaced. "Sorry, everything still   
tastes and smells like bacta."  
  
"I understand completely." Jaina leaned over and kissed   
him. "Get some sleep. You've been through a lot."  
  
"Okay," he sighed.  
  
Jaina had helped him undress. For some reason, she felt   
the need to touch his skin, to be flesh to flesh, even if they   
couldn't make love. She drew the blankets over them, to make   
sure he was warm, that he didn't catch a chill and get sick   
while recovering.  
  
"You know what I want to do tomorrow?" he murmured.  
  
"What?"  
  
"I want to go to one of the observation viewports and   
look out at the Maw. I didn't get to see it coming in."  
  
"You didn't miss much. It's still the same as always."  
  
"Mm."  
  
"But we'll go and look, if you want." She kissed his   
mouth softly. "I love you, Kyp."  
  
"Love . . . you, Jay." He fell asleep.  
  
Jaina cuddled up beside him and held him close.  
  
She fell asleep listening to the sound of his breathing.  
  
Gone without you  
Now that I've been loving you so long  
Tell me  
How am I supposed to live without you?  
When all that I've been living for  
Is gone  
  
He slipped away during the night. He was still warm   
when Jaina woke, but his breathing had stopped sometime before.   
His lips were curved up in a sweet smile.   
  
She kissed him, her tears wetting his face.  
  
After they took him away, she spent the rest of the day   
standing at the observation viewport, looking out at the stars.  
  
--end-- 


End file.
